Kim & The Bump

The life of a first-time mum from bump to baby and beyond...

Big Bertha

2 months and 2 days old

After waxing lyrical about our society’s preoccupation with weight and how mad it is, I went and weighed myself yesterday... OMG!... I’m not happy... I AM NOT HAPPY!!!... I’ve put on a whole stone since I weighed myself after giving birth... Breast feed they say, you’ll lose weight quicker... You’ll get your stomach back... well... HA HAHAHAHAHA... That’s a lie!... You don’t see Victoria Beckham and Kate Middleton putting loads of weight on - they’ve got their figures back!... But then I don’t suppose Victoria Beckham breastfed... she was too posh to push so she’d definitely be too posh to express!...

A new chapter

2 months and 5 days old

This is the first day of my new regime to lose my baby weight!... I have been revolutionising my life... Here I was thinking that having a baby was life changing enough... but it’s nothing compared to researching post baby fat busting books!... Couldn’t decide between, “Shed that Baby Weight” by Christina La Giardiniera... wonder what it’s like being named after a pizza! I bet she doesn’t eat too many of those... Although the name might sound a little made up, the book title says it how it is... direct and to the point... I like that.... The other book was “Hot to Trot Mama” by Eleanor Brook... (Not related to Kelly!) Definitely like that title!.. It says, “After having a baby its normal for every woman to feel depressed and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of looking after a new life, and every time you look at your bloated postpartum body, you feel disheartened and dejected. Eleanor knows exactly how you feel.” I bet she does! Not that I know what a postpartum body is, but I bet, after looking at her, she doesn’t know what a chocolate bourbon biscuit is either.... Anyway I bought them both and you heard it here first... I’ll keep you posted.

Take Away

2 months and 7 days old

It’s official!... My friends are worrying about me!... don’t know if it is the fact that I sit on the sofa all day stuffing my face with chocolate bourbon biscuits or because I’m busy buying self-help books about weight loss by women with made up pizza-sounding names!!... Maybe I should re-name Emily - Margherita or Siciliana or even Giardiniera? I’m definitely Sloppy Giuseppe!

Anyway... I’ve had more invitations for going out than I’ve had in the last two months... so I am going to meet up with my friend Diane tomorrow... she’s got two older kids and twins and she’s on her own at the moment running her own business, so if anyone can give me a reality check, she can...

It’s about time Emily and I got off the sofa... put the chocolate bourbons back in the cupboard and left my little baby bubble... bit scary though!!

Play Date

2 months and 9 days old

It was so good to get out of the house with Emily. My friend Diane couldn’t believe that it was our first play date. She wanted me to come in the morning but I didn’t think I’d manage it so I opted to get to hers for 1pm. As it was I was half an hour late and spent all morning getting ready. You’ll be glad to know that I’ve worked out how to have a bath now, but it still involves me putting Emily in her little bouncy chair as I lie in the bath talking to her and trying desperately to keep her occupied so she doesn’t start crying... Pathetic! I have noticed that she likes the sound of the hairdryer and sometimes even falls asleep. A real achievement is when I can get her to have a morning nap with me blowing the hairdryer... not your usual lullaby but if it works... who cares!

Diane is awesome... and I mean TOTALLY AWESOME in a super woman type way. I want to be like her when I grow up. By the time I’ve got out of bed, she’s got her four kids up, dressed, fed and taken two of them to school. She’s even started looking after another child so she’s looking after five!!!! I can’t manage one tiny, teeny one!... plus... she looks great... plus she can get both Zack and Hope in the car and fold up her double pram and put it in the boot before I’ve even got Emily into her car seat. She had to help me with the pram and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I hadn’t done it before and that Neil does it for me... spot the Princess! We went for a walk in the park... pushing the prams... it was so nice... I felt like a real Mummy! Thank you Diane!

A New Woman

2 months and 12 days old

I’ve definitely turned a corner, because I took Emily with me to the hairdressers this morning and I’ve had my hair cut... first time in 3 months... Neil couldn’t believe it... He asked me three times if I was sure I didn’t want to leave Emily with him and I insisted that I’d take her with me... I haven’t managed to leave her with Neil yet... or anyone else for that matter... He is her father...
She was adorable and slept most of the time and when she woke up - cool as a cucumber - I picked her up, boob out and fed her, and then she went back to sleep... I totally rule! #YummyMummy!

OMG!

2 months and 14 days old

Rosie came over with Dinah and Jude today. We had such a lovely time and Dinah and Emily were so cute together. They’re both laughing and gurgling now and we put them on the rug together and they just laughed. They are going to be so sweet growing up. I tried to work out the relationship. Emily is like Dinah’s aunt... Is that weird or what?... Emily is actually younger! It was so special watching Neil with his son Jude, both of them making a fuss of their little baby girls... who would ever have imagined! You couldn’t make it up!

OMG! You would never guess what their news is... promised I wouldn’t say anything... all I will say is that you couldn’t make that up either... even if you tried!

Bourbons Busted

2 months and 18 days old

Got to the baby clinic on time today and Emily has put on another whole pound... what a superstar!... And Mummy has lost three pounds... what a superstar!... I had no leaky boobs this time and Emily even returned in the same outfit that she’d left the house in with no embarrassing pooh, vomit or wee along the way... I’m a superstar! #PerfectMummy!

No Change

2 months and 21 days old

I wish I could lie and say yes, the sleeping has got much better, but sadly it hasn’t... A few of you have been asking me if she’s sleeping through because I’m sounding much chirpier... let’s face it... from where I was a month ago, it couldn’t have got much worse so the only way was up!... Think I’m just getting used to it!... Emily sleeps, I sleep... Emily is awake, I’m awake... I’m much better at getting my naps now and not fighting it any more... because that was a battle I was never going to win... if in doubt... sleep!

Sleeping Sonny

2 months and 25 days old

Had the perfect day with Roanna, a Mummy friend of mine, and her gorgeous baby boy, Sonny, today... You’re right... those of you out there who say that babies can sleep through... because Sonny is!... I feel very inadequate... and... this is nothing against my friend... because I love her dearly and every mother has her own way of doing things... and... clearly it works because he is a very happy, little boy but she says the trick is to let them cry to sleep... It’s called controlled crying... That’s how you do it... She’s very organised and has had children before and she gave me this book where the writer tells you to go into the room when your baby’s crying and tell them to go to sleep and then go back ten minutes later until eventually they fall asleep and learn that you’re not going to feed them every time they cry... I couldn’t do that... Who does that?... I know, I know... loads of you do... and there’s nothing wrong with it... but to me it doesn’t seem right... don’t get cross with me and I don’t want to start some big argument here, but it’s not for me... or Emily...

Then again... if it means getting a good night’s sleep... she is about to be three months old... the attachment is already there... what harm can it do?...

Sleeping Emily

2 months and 26 days old

Can’t say I didn’t try... I tried it... lasted 1 minute and 27 seconds to be precise before I gave in and picked my baby up and attached her to my boob... and I don’t think she’s stopped feeding since... don’t think she dares to let go... I’m seeing stars, I’m that knackered... Rubbish!

Giggles and Gurgles

3 months old

Babies are the best!... I can watch them all day long... 3 months has to be the best age ever... I just want to bottle this age and make it last for ever... every day, she changes so much and you feel that you can’t take your eyes off her for a second or you will miss something. When Neil or I go up to her now she hears our voices and giggles away... she’s even started to do this squeal which is so cute... she’s such a girl!

Princess and the Frog

3 months and 2 days old

Talking about squealing and gurgling, Roanna popped over today with Emily’s boyfriend, Sonny the Super Sleeper, and we put them together in their bouncy chairs and there Emily was with these little girly giggles and squeals and then Sonny has this deep, frog like croak... such a man... giggle... croak... squeal... croak... it was so funny... Roanna and I were in stitches... then all of a sudden Sonny’s nappy fills up and he even does that loudly with this huge trombone noise and Emily decided she is going to fill her nappy with this tiny, barely a fart noise... a little whimper of a fart... a piccolo fart compared to Sonny’s trombone... this gender thing is so fascinating and funny at the same time... we should see if we can put a brass band together!

Thank you but No thank you

3 months and 3 days

To put it ever so politely... can you please stop sending me video clips of your babies farting noises... no more... no thank you!...

My new Family

3 months and 4 days old

Roanna was telling me that she is finally moving out of her in-laws’ house - well they’re not married, but you know what I mean and they’ve found a place of their own... she can’t wait... I don’t blame her, but I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be living with your in-laws or parents for that matter and how different life would be.

In some cultures it’s the norm for the woman to move into the man’s parents home... there would always be someone to help with the baby and the washing and to babysit... my life would be so different... here I am doing everything for my baby and getting support from people I’ve never even met, on a blog, that is being read in Australia and in Zambia and in Alaska and in Zanzibar... someone even contacted me from Astana... bet you don’t know where that is... I didn’t know either... apparently it’s the capital of Kazakhstan... her husband works in the oil industry there and she reads my blog and loves it... My new family... my new support network... any thoughts?... Is it better than a mother in law telling you what to do?

The United Nations

3 months and 6 days old

Papua New Guinea, Mozambique, Namibia, Texas, Argentina, Fiji, Alaska, Orkney and Scunthorpe... these are just a few of the exotic places where my readers come from... Thank you to Maria of Fiji who contacted me to tell me of the customs of one of the Pacific Islands... not Fiji, I hasten to add... where when you have a baby, you basically hand it over to your mother in law to bring it up for you so you can continue looking after her son and seeing to his needs... if you get what I mean... in the Biblical sense... everyone has been basically brought up by their mother in law... different... think that when Emily is a bit older I’m going to go and study Social Anthropology... and then visit some of these places... here it’s the opposite... I think most people stop having sex altogether when they have a baby... a cup of tea is a much more preferable proposition...

Sex Fiends

3 months and 7 days old

Whoah!... It’s me... I’m the freak!... You’re all having sex and loads of it... can’t get enough of it... this baby business makes you all want it even more and by the sounds of it your partners find you as sexy as ever... more sexy... well I still prefer a cup of tea!!!
#Bornagainvirgin!

50 Shades of No Thank You

3 months and 8 days old

Stop sending sex stories!... Sizzling, saucy, steamy, sex stories must stop... now!... No more... I’ll be getting myself a reputation... I have to go back to work in a school for God’s sake... this is a baby blog not a sex blog!... if it were it would be very boring... because I am having none of it... and I’m quite happy... not miserable... as some of you seem to think... enough... Finito!

Told You - NO MORE

3 months and 15 days old

I’ve given this blog a break for a few days so you all calm down with your sex obsession... NO MORE!!!

Rollover Jackpot

3 months and 18 days old

OMG! I could not believe it. I went into Emily’s room this morning and you’ll never guess - she’d rolled over in her cot. She freaked me out! The days of me putting her down in one position and then her staying in that position are over... consulted a Baby Bible and sure enough a few babies can roll over at three months... she’s now a genius at rolling over as well as laughing... She can push herself up with her hands and then she must somehow turn herself over... the days of me putting her on the table... the kitchen counter... the sofa... the bed... the car roof... (Only kidding)... are over... otherwise I’ll have social services around... bye bye putting her on the bed while I dry my hair... I know it’s progress and a genius thing to do... but I find it quite sad as well... We’ve entered a new stage!

Pregnancy!

3 months and 20 days old

Ever heard of the birds and the bees?... Does anyone teach sex education these days?... Yes we’re back on the sex theme... with good reason... not only am I the only one not having sex, I seem to be the only one not getting pregnant again!

Foot in Mouth

3 months and 21 days old

Don’t worry! I’m not talking about anyone you know and I’m not giving anyone’s secret away, but it seems that loads of people who had a baby at the same time that I had Emily are pregnant again!!... How do they do it?... Yes, I know what you do... but... giving birth is enough to put you off sex for a life time... I can only just manage to look after the two of us, but the thought of going through morning sickness again... and bad back... and not being able to sleep... and weeing every ten minutes... it’s too much... There seem to be certain myths... like you can’t get pregnant when you’re breast feeding... rubbish!... It takes a while for your baby bits to get back to working normally...rubbish!... Believe me... you can...

And here endeth the lesson according to Kimberly H...

Hungry Bird

Emily seems to have been crying for a whole week now... longer... nothing I do seems to satisfy her any more... I took her to see the GP and he said it was normal... hate it when they say that... she’s just hungry and trying to increase my milk supply... So I ring Vicky, a midwife friend, and she says there’s nothing wrong with her... she’s just hungry. Neil’s Mum keeps telling me to put her on solids... give her a bit of proper food... she says... give her a rusk... she says... Neil was on solids at the same age... SHE SAYS!!... So I asked Vicky…Vicky and the doctor were having none of it... I need to wait until she’s six months before she can go on solids because it will spoil her guts... God! It’s a wonder any of us are still alive... all the things our mothers put us through which is now so harmful... nuts, cheese, fish, smoking, alcohol... no, don’t think Neil’s Mum smoked but she did say she had a few drinks when she was pregnant... and of course... the deadly killer... solids!!!

My tits can’t survive another two months of this or my sanity... I’m going mad!... Help!