Russell reads your stories

I saw an article on the bbc website a few weeks back which made me laugh. The first paragraph of the article is pure gold, even if it doesn't make the show i still think you would like the story.

https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm

Yay! I got one in! Go me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxNmh2EA6XE

A While back this happened i wanted to give it a little Benny hill :D
Nothing much but you know

Surely for the Taiwan poster in tonight's (1/4) show.

Every girl take your Tai-ghts off and every guy use your Tai-wang.

Great show as always, especially the wrestler.

Hi Russel i saw this on the front page of the daily mail thought u would like it and help this poor women lol

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1262708/Goldfish-seller-Joan-Higgins-gets-used-life-tagged-criminal.html

You have to love animal stories

https://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3729485.html?menu=

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This article made me laugh when i first saw it... If only all problems were this easy!

https://www.doncasterfreepress.co.uk/free-press-news/Teenager-34sells34-mum-on-eBay.6163154.jp

A monkey policeman?

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/7544430/Santisuk-the-pig-tailed-macaque-monkey-joins-Thai-police-on-patrol.html

Hi Russel

saw these stories. a must for your next show :)

https://www.metro.co.uk/weird/819917-fake-boob-theft-lands-woman-in-jail
https://www.metro.co.uk/weird/819771-man-tries-to-escape-police-by-jumping-into-prison
https://www.metro.co.uk/weird/816601-man-marries-pillow

love you
xxx

Hey, im Lucy, and im from South Wales.
It's pretty much a boring place so i was inspired to hear about the three "Chrisoffmyspace" boys. Their making it their mission to have a good time, and are cheering the community up through their videos which involve attempting to feed seagulls by attatching food to kites and tricking unaware people into becoming lemmings. You'll understand more if you watch their videos...

https://www.youtube.com/chrisoffmyspace1

Im a huge fan of Russell Howard, and these guys so it would be fantastic if they could get a mention. :D xxxx

Hi Russell!
https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/8599513.stm
"The police told me it was a distraction but I pointed to the potholes and said that they were too."

I also love how detailed the drawings of the potholes are!

hi russell my mate showerd me this video thought it was funny hope it makes you laugh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY39fkmqKBM

"Ninja Squirrles Go Nutty" not much of a srtoy... But the whole name and picutre and concept is just amazing... Well I think!!
https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2024371/Ninja-squirrels-go-nutty.html

I found this one today - slightly tragic but very bizarre.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2914883/Man-tries-suicide-by-cucumber.html

Enjoy!

Who says the British Courts take themselves too seriously. They definately had the last laugh on the person who originally filled in the form saying Santa was driving the car - just check out the comments in court...
Hope it brings you an Easter smile.
https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_east/8595354.stm

just for fun- just over a wk ago i ad a run in wiv a 58 yr old woman that lives near me,lets just say she lives a lonely life and likes makin lots of friends her names hilary..my dogs got out the house and barked at her so i got them in problem solved..no she wanted 2 rant at me that i do it on purpose so we argued as u do..she tried 2 set her german shepard dog onto me to bite me when the dog dint respond she jumped at my finger and bit down n wudnt let go,she even growled whilst chompin away...shes lovely hahaha u can c the funny side 2 my now manky numb index finger! crazy lady...

Just read about a red arrows crash at
https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8586114.stm

maybe a poor link on behalf of the pages editor but

look at the link at the bottom under
"see also"

Up to 5000 extra marines and their families are planed to be posted on US territory in Guam and US congressmen Hank Johnson is afraid the small island will "tip over and capsize" due to over population
(this is a clip of what he said. 1minute 20seconds into the clip he says hes afraid the island will “tip over”)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg

Reading the story this week in the Telegraph about Diego Maradona being taken to hospital after he was bitten by his Shar Pei. Story wasn't particularly funny, but the headline was inspired;

DIEGO SUFFERS AT HAND OF DOG

Hiya Russell I have Recently been on the news with my young womens/ young mums centre in northampton on the itv fixers sectrion i think we should be on the show that and the fact i just plain love you i mean it lol your always have me in stitches

Hi Russell.

I found this article and thought you might like it.
This story shows just how far Barcelona will go to get
one over on Madrid. Very funny when you think about it!!!


https://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/820152-pooing-cristiano-ronaldo-statues-selling-well-in-barcelona

I have to say when i read these two articles on the sky news website i almost wet myself

the first article which grabbed my attention was that Thai police are taking monkey's as police recruits (link below)

https://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Strange-News/Monkey-Police-Macaque-On-Patrol-With-Thai-Force-To-Help-Improve-Relations-With-Muslim-Separatists/Article/201004115591175?lpos=Strange_News_First_Strange_News__Article_Teaser_Region__1&lid=ARTICLE_15591175_Monkey_Police%3A_Macaque_On_Patrol_With_Thai_Force_To_Help_Improve_Relations_With_Muslim_Separatists

and the second article which is just as bizzare is that in Sydney where they have had a royal easter parade they have dressed up real ducks in dresses! (link below)

https://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Strange-News/Sydney-Royal-Easter-Show-Pied-Piper-Ducks-In-Dresses-Wow-Crowds-In-Australia/Article/201004115592649?lpos=Strange_News_First_Strange_News__Article_Teaser_Region__0&lid=ARTICLE_15592649_Sydney_Royal_Easter_Show%3A_Pied_Piper_Ducks_In_Dresses_Wow_Crowds_In_Australia

i hope these articles are bizzare enough! x

Hi!

This one have been making the front page of our local news paper (last week, though its still carrying on!) We've also had the local BBC radio station on the case.......

https://www.loughboroughecho.net/news/loughborough-news/2010/03/31/lough-ness-monster-terrorising-ducks-at-beauty-spot-73871-26146078/

Surely they have something more news-worthy to repot on!!!

I was watchin this on TV earlier and laughed my head off!
Thought you might like this as well, Russell.

One very confused footie commentator!!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-KrLJ4P9go

no i mean i LOVE love you

saw this today and was amazed

https://www.asylum.co.uk/2010/03/16/the-art-of-baldness/

Please I would like to hear your views on the gold fish news.
personaly I think its getting beyond a joke that you cant sell gold fish to a child under 16 years.

You need to see sky news on the boat race, "They through their COX in the water" V funny!!

i found these realy weird stories about what makes you live longer the mad thing is its all the things people say are bad for you

https://style.uk.msn.com/health/photos.aspx?cp-documentid=152162816&page=1

Sky on the boat race, they really did say "put their coxs in the water"
I fell of the sofa in tears.

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

it could not look any less like him:

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/7547026/Robert-Pattinson-created-from-chocolate.html

https://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/771123/My-boobs-nearly-killed-my-man.html

US teenagers in Iowa 'find body on egg hunt'... Rather scary story!! For easter anyway!! It might be Jesus! Ok sorry... You can read the whole story here: https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8602346.stm

Priceless banter: Antiques Roadshow 7pm Sunday 4th April. Check the background for a chunky spectator with a striped top. His expressions are hilarious and he hands down wins "surprised face of the week." He appears first behind a families silver set and then again behind a Fabergé match box. This needs to be seen. The transition from smug to shocked is uncompromising,

Unfortunately there is no video footage of this incident that happened at a Dunfermline v Ayr match on 20th February but I thought that you be interested, stewards at East End Park stop people from standing but are happy to let a 7 foot bear attempt to sledge down the stand, article on this link https://news.scotsman.com/leaders/Sledging-Sammys-Asbo-shame.6140936.jp
Dunfermline supporters discussing it https://www.dafc.info/forum/read.php?f=1&i=932084&t=932084
Dunfermline and rival supporters discussing the antics
https://www.pieandbovril.com/forum/index.php/topic/124192-sammy-the-tammy-and-his-sledge/
Some pictures are on this site https://www.flickr.com/photos/delc/4373366401/in/set-72157623474933644/

I'm not sure how politically correct the title of this is, but the footage is still pretty damn funny!:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pqe-rFtIhvQ

Also, check out this clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pW45ogVkJME

Hey,

last week you talked about rappers who talk about normal stuff and I was reminded of this guy who I'd seen on youtube). His name's Jon Lajoie. 'Everyday normal guy' and 'Sunday afternoon' are very cool- well they make me chuckle!). Here's the link;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw Everyday normal guy- some swearing kids!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gx3nn6LS6g&feature=related Sunday Afternoon

Much Love.

Emma

p.s the show is great!

Girl getting suspended for a "skimpy" dress...?
(They've evidently never been to Newcastle if they think that's skimpy)

https://www.styleite.com/media/sexy-prom-dress/

Now I haven't read the story, but the Headline made me laugh, a great belly laugh:

Unexplained sheep attacks 'caused by aliens in UFOs', farmers claim. now it's in shropshire so this quote could be about literally anywhere:
“They are built by technology and intelligence that's not from here.”

for the full story go to: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/ufo/7555431/Unexplained-sheep-attacks-caused-by-aliens-in-UFOs-farmers-claim.html

one other choice quote from the article, sorry about this : “For a short while it looked more like a Star Wars battle.”

Now, I'm no genius, but how can a star wars battle involve aliens and sheep ... I suppose if star wars was set in Wales then maybe, but that's not the point

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

dammit my daft computer left out the quote I put in. It's from the same article and the person interviewed was confused because:
"I couldn't believe it - the woman has a mini-skirt and high heels on and very big breasts.
"I just couldn't work out what it was for?
"Does it mean I have to look out for prostitutes crossing or that they are available around here?"

are you aware that one of your facebook groups has labelled you as a buisness/service. It kind of sounds like your a prostitute - No offence of course

I can't find the original story, but this is on anavova, so you lot should be able to find it real easy.

Stone age porn
Archaeologists in Germany have found what could be the oldest pornographic scene in the world.

full story at: https://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1343839.html

Hi, this is going to be a long comment, as I don't have a handy link. I was reading the week magazine (27th march) and this came from the 'spirit of the age' section:
A call-centre worker who tucked into a colleague's biscuits during a long night shift was sacked, arrested and prosecuted. Pamela Harrison, the owner of the £7 M&S selection box discovered the crime when she came to work in the morning. She reported it to her superiors, who looked at CCTV footage to identify the culprit: Michael Campbell. Last week he pleaded guilty to theft and was fined £7. Harrison told the court that Campbell had "invaded her privacy" and made her feel "insecure".
I never realsied you could be sacked over biscuits!!

Gordon brown is calling the general election to be coming very soon

This isn't newsy, but if you can find a way to put ridiculous place names or laws please, please use some of them
odd laws: 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen.

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

It wouldn't let me put the names so here's the facebook group that I found it all on.

https://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=6007232301&ref=nf

just click read more on the little side box or in the info section and scroll down a bit

hi russell your wish has come ture jimmy carr on the go compare man

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtpoPyDg-Es&NR=1

Hi Guys, not sure if this could be covered in your current series or not, for the feel good bit at the end of the show?

For the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID) save a baby month during May, I'll be skating (rollerboots) 120 miles over 3 days from Bristol childrens hospital to FSID head quarters in London trying to raise £1000 to help the charity continue its fantastic work, any publicity the charity could get for this would be great.

keep up the good work!

Danny

I saw this article and couldnt stop laughing at what the prosecutor said!

Milkshake thief too fat for court escapes jail

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-world/2010/04/02/milkshake-thief-too-fat-for-court-escapes-jail-115875-22155167/

hey russell i watched your show last night on bbc3 it was fantastic i heard at the end if anybody has something you want russell to check out to let you know so here i am.
check out a group on facebook called "dont duck with gosport" its about peter viggers robbing mp from gosport some great photos on there im sure you can get a few QWACKS out of this

many thanks tanya

do u know gingers have one layer less skin

russell is so yummy

Dear Russell,

I saw this really funny article on a 12 year old boy spending £900 of his mums money on the facebook game, Farmville. I thought it was hilarious and also thought how great his farm must be with £900 to spend. Please put this on your show as I'm sure you guys can come up with a really funny sketch to make fun of it. Here's the article link so you can have a good funny read up on it.

https://www.expertreviews.co.uk/games/277573/12-year-old-farmville-player-costs-mum-900

Thanks,

Chris Phillips

Looks Like Football fans what to give there word out on TV.

Here is a Mad football Fan who calls live on this show.

[Unsuitable/Broken URL removed by Moderator]

Russell,

We have been searching the internet for heroes for you to broadcast on your show and we came across a video that astounded us!

https://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1270937418374RA35

All the best

Donna and Dan

p.s. We hope you enjoyed the kitkats at Lincoln Uni. :D

i no you speak about stories in the paper and internet but i wounderd if you would mension about a world wide problem its called men n xboxs lol my boyfreind is 21 n is totally addicted he would rather play his xbox then go out anywhere i live with a 12 year old boy who is also addicted to xbox i really dont get the fasination he seriously sits on his xbox from when he gets up to when he goes to bed what happend to go old fashion fun n playin outside lol i recon there should be an age rating on xboxs lol of like 65 yrs old so by then they are alreading getting old n decrepid so they can sit on there arses all day n do nothing but play .

i read this in the newspaper on the bus with my firends and we couldnt stop laughing

https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2926952/iPranged-a-submarine.html

i just got a message with this in it nd though bloody hell imagine this crawling theough your kitchen

https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2917518/Monster-from-the-oil-lagoon.html

Two women tried to smuggle a dead relative on to a plane at Liverpool John Lennon Airport....

The body of the man was placed in a wheelchair, his eyes covered by sunglasses, and when tentative enquiries as to his wellbeing were made, his companions insisted he was merely asleep.

https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-news/local-news/2010/04/06/dead-man-caught-checking-in-at-liverpool-john-lennon-airport-100252-26181567/

You don't have to read it - just look at the headline and the name of
the writer (Berlin Correspondent of The Times ).



https://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece

i recently read in the news that a scottish police women was assaulted by a mans penis. how can this be; either he is big man or she was in the wrong place at the wrong time!

Hi Russ, Your shows awesome, I just thought I'd show you about my view on politics, lol! https://mikeys9607.deviantart.com/art/British-Election-10-160521871
Can't wait for thurday!

https://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece

you asked, unfortunately Dickens couldn't have written this better.

you know the story but look at the name of the co-orspondance/journalist

someone has got a twisted humour at the times
xx

My boyfriend and I just went to Crete - we were watching the weather one night (on the 'star' channel) - this is what the Greek wethergirls are like:

[Unsuitable/Broken URL removed by Moderator]

We saw it and instantly thought of you! Congrats on the show, it is fab!
x x x x

something differet

https://weirdnews.about.com/b/2010/04/07/beard-competition-gets-hairy-in-germany.htm

https://weirdnews.about.com/b/2010/04/04/fat-man-sings-no-contest-plea-in-food-scams.htm

https://weirdnews.about.com/b/2010/03/31/disobedient-streaker-gives-cricket-crowd-an-eyeful.htm

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/election-2010/7587879/General-Election-2010-Conservative-candidate-calls-police-over-Hitler-video-attack.html

Hello Russell is tht anyway to behave I found this interesting story on the telegraph about 2 gay swanshttps://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/7585978/Gay-swans-set-up-nest-at-worlds-only-swannery-in-Dorset.html

heyy russell i gt a gr8 one for u the other day i had a hobo outside mi drive leant on a hover i thought he was gonna cum to mi door n say house cleanin

mi dads a dj i he always annoys me so i wait till he puts his headphones on thn i release the anger on him wiv swerin n its better cause he cant hear me to him its just me glarin at him think angry thoughts and mimin at the same time

a tourist goes to washington n a guy asks him wat do u think off bush the tourist goes ooh yh i luv bushh! oh u mean president bush sorry i thought u ment...

how did you become a comedian i dont mind becoming one of them myself

This joke is quite funny:
One morning a i was walking though a cemetry and i saw a man kneeling behind a tombstone i looked at him and said "morning", he looked up and said "no taking a dump"

A while ago I went to see Blue Streak at the cinema by myself - it was about a 2 pm showing.

As I was waiting in the foyer, there was some commotion from I'd say a mentally challenged dude - sort of like 'Warren,' out of 'There's Something About Mary.' I didn't think anything of it at the time - he was going off on one because there was a queue of 3 people at the box office (me included).

Anyway, I bought my ticket and went in - it was the largest cinema, about 500 seat. The cinema was deserted because it was day time and everybody was at work - or at school. Whatever. I went right to the back and sat directly in the middle.

Somebody came in at the bottom of the cinema - it was that mentally challenged dude. I tracked him as he walked up the stairs, it slowly dawned on me what was going on as he approached the very back row where I was sat. There were 499 other seats, why did he have to sit near me. Anyway he sat down directly next to me. He got a tupperware beaker out of his back-pack and put it in the cup holder on the arm of the seat. And then he got another out, and another, and another - until there was a row of nine beakers along the back row. I thought it was a bit surreal and weird.

I paid it no mind and got on with watching the movie. Then he started talking to himself about the characters in the movie, it was so annoying. Then he shocked me by freaking out, it looked like he was energetically trying to catch flies with chopsticks. I took about another five minutes of this, and then I moved about halfway down the cinema so I could concentrate on the movie.

Then he walked past me, what the hell did I need to do to get some peace? Then he came back in - with another drink! He went out about another five or six time during the movie periodically, and each time he went out he came in with another drink. But the last time that he went out takes the biscuit, because when he returned he had a completely different set of clothes on - and I don't know how he did it because he didn't have his back-pack with him.

I haven't been able to work out since then how he did it, but I learned a valuable lesson of not to visit the cinema during the day because their are some really freaky people who go at that time.

Joshua

This is a story that a friend of mine flagged my attention towards. The way its shown makes you think its shocking, but think about it its just adaptation from America. they are now calling it "Broken-Britain" so if this has broken Britain, why is America still fine!? Ridiculous, and I think I read somewhere that the sun is blaming this on the Labour party because there is so much racial difference in the country. Hope you can use this in the show:

https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2932813/London-gangs-are-aligning-themselves-to-LA-based-Bloods-and-Crips.html

just found this article It's it's just wrong https://cbs3.com/local/Philadelphia.Phillies.Matthew.2.1636036.html

Heyy, russel you are amazing, im a big fan,
I found this when i was browsing the web;

Cat Betrayed His Girlfriend

Its very funny, if u trimed it and made it into a funny 10 seconds i think everyone should laugh because there are lots of funny lines.

Heres the link " https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih6W19KTlZo "

Thank you very much.

Jordan Harrison

Hi Russel,
Will you please very kindly Consider my daughter’s charity to get a mention in your good news section of the show.
My daughter Kirsty suffers from Neurofibromatosis, which causes tumours to grow on the nerve endings, scoliosis and other medical problems.
Kirsty attends hospital almost weekly and has done for over five years.
Kirsty’s went to Lapland to visit the real Santa with the Charity When You Wish upon a Star when she was nine years old for how well she copes with her own condition for which there is no cure. On this magical trip Kirsty made friends with another child of the same age, on there return back from Lapland both girls gave each other a huge hug and promised each other they would be best friends for ever, unfortunately two weeks later I received a call from the mother of Kirsty’s new friend to say sadly her daughter had passed away, Kirsty was really upset and asked me if the money had not been raised that year would her new friend still have gone to Lapland, I had to tell her “NO” and from that day on Kirsty was determined to raise the money needed to send 100 poorly children on the same magical trip to Lapland that she went on and 2008 she raised the £65.000 needed for the full cost of the trip. Kirsty is now trying to raise a further £80.000 so that she can send 40 poorly children and their families on a much needed holiday to Centre Parcs for five days.
Kirsty also runs her own web page and helps people all over the Globe she has now written a book, which is about her fight against Neurofibromatosis and should be on sale in july, sales of the book will also help different charities
Kirsty’s web page is [Broken URL removed by Moderator] anyone wanting to donate can do by clicking on her justgiving site or if they want to buy any of her pin badges, keyrings they can also email her from the web page.
Kirsty’s had some bad cards dealt her but she is not going to give in and is determined to raise the money needed for this holiday. When you wish upon a star grants wishes for children with life threatening conditions.

Thank you for your time I hope you consider us
Julie

I would love it if you could feature me and my cat Lucy in your show, it may sound rather strange but shes my best friend she waits for me when i come in from school, she tries to follow me to school, she sleeps and eats with me, she really is my best friend, she can always tell if am upset or angry. thank you for your time.
ps I LOVE YOU RUSSELL :)
steph x