I'm gay, Sikh and getting married
Gubs has already told his dad he is gay, and his father managed to accept it. But it looks like a wedding is just one step too far. He reveals his story to Radio 4's The Untold…
Separate identities
I grew up with two identities, both of which belonged to minority groups. First I was the Asian/Indian/Sikh and then in my teens, when I finally had the understanding and vocabulary, I began to identify as gay. For almost two decades these identities remained very separate and allowed me to be the dutiful Sikh son with my family and an “out” gay man with my friends and colleagues. This duality is a very common experience for many people of colour in the UK; born from parents of the commonwealth who had been enticed over to the motherland with promises of a new and successful life in the 50s and 60s.
Fast forward to 2014 and these two worlds finally collided with feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, fear and loss. I’d been in a stable and committed relationship with my partner of three years and I no longer had the time or energy to live these two separate lives. For decades I’d had to hide who I was to half the people in my life, but now it was time to embrace being visible as a fully open gay man who had grown up as a Sikh.
A difficult conversation
Telling my father what he already suspected was one of the hardest conversations I’d ever had. My mum had died of breast cancer 15 years earlier, and telling my dad his only son would never marry a woman or bring him grandchildren felt as painful as losing her. To see a man nearing retirement, crumble in front of me when he was faced with the one truth he didn’t want to deal with was beyond heartbreaking. We stopped speaking for a year while we both adjusted to this new way of being, and in that whole time I wished i’d just kept my mouth shut. I constantly asked myself, why was it so important to tell him? He was happy living the lie, so who was I to break his heart and shatter his hopes and dreams?
Over time I slowly realised who I was. I was the man who’d finally seen a future with a person I loved. I was the man who no longer wanted to hide or be made to feel guilty about my right to love who I chose. I was the man who deserved and wanted to fight for the same rights as everyone else on the planet. I wanted equality! I wanted to be seen! I owed myself that and I finally came round to embracing this whole new level of visibility.
The proposal
A year later, as my relationship with my father started to get back on track I dropped, what was for him, yet another bombshell. My partner and I were in Ibiza for a friend’s 40th birthday and he threw me a curveball and asked me what I thought about getting married? We’d talked about getting married, especially as this right had only just been granted to same-sex couples a few years earlier, and we’d joked about who would go down on one knee. And here on this beautiful Spanish Island he'd beat me to it and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes!
He'd beat me to it and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes!
It didn't go down well and I didn’t talk about the wedding to my dad until 10 months before the big day. He didn't want to know. He didn’t care who I invited as he couldn’t understand why I was doing this. I stupidly asked him if he thought I had the right to get married. He said no! Game, set and match! My friends and most of my family were delighted and couldn't wait for the day to arrive, but for my dad it was just another way to humiliate him. He told me to leave him and his family out of it and that’s just what I intended to do.
Will my Sikh father come to my gay wedding?
After telling his father that he is gay, Gubs wonders whether he will attend his wedding.
The lead up to my wedding was stressful. Family members tried to speak to him and make him understand but it just came across as meddling. At one point, just weeks before, he actually said he would attend, but I knew he didn’t really want to. In fact it came to a point where I actually felt anxious about him being there. After one last conversation we talked with a new-found level of honesty and a decision was finally made. We both understood where we were coming from and I needed to do this for myself and not for him.
Find out whether or not Gubs's dad came to his wedding by listening to The Untold.
