This Week's Movies - Baywatch

Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) is the leader of an elite team of lifeguards, including Summer (Alexandra Daddario), CJ (Kelly Rohrbach) and air-headed jerk - and former Olympian - Matt (Zac Efron). Together, they must take down the local drug lord, despite the police asking them repeatedly not to get involved. Because they’re lifeguards. And not the police. Oh, and *of course* it’s based on the 1990s Saturday early evening TV show starring Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff, who may or may not have cameo appearances in this movie. (Hint: they do – their names are even in the opening credits).

Pros:

1. The Rock continues to be an exceptionally charming screen presence, even when he’s bawling out Zac Efron for NOT CARING ENOUGH ABOUT BAYWATCH. His insults – essentially a cavalcade of tweeny film references – reach peak preposterousness when Efron is called “High School Musical”. The Disney Channel veteran is almost-but-not-quite as watchable as Mr Johnson, though his character here is genuinely quite unlikeable: a thought-free six-pack in a pair of skintight trunks who vomits a lot because, um, vomit is funny?
2. Like Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge last week, Baywatch is a welcome slice of summer silliness. This film does not take itself seriously at all. There’s sun, there’s sea, there’s skimpiness. There are no themes here, no “messages” – or if there are, I didn’t notice them.
3. Um… they’re not scared to swear? In other words, this is properly ‘r-rated’ in terms of comedy. It’s “raunchy”, if anyone uses that word any more. F-bombs everywhere, which can be a bit startling coming from the man who played The Tooth Fairy in The Tooth Fairy (remember that Rock gem?).

Cons:

1. Oh but it’s not funny though. You could complain about the overlong runtime (116 minutes), the shonky special effects (the fire CGI in particular) or its failure to capture the original TV show’s cringy-‘n’-campy tone, but Baywatch’s biggest problem is that it’s dull. You may find yourself worrying about work’s next annual general meeting or wondering if you’ll have time to watch *all* of the Eastenders omnibus on Sunday afternoon, and that is not what you want in a big, brash, dumb, “fun” summer comedy. Plot-wise, things just happen, with the storyline flapping along the beach like an overweight sea lion, occasionally coughing up a loud swear word or a penis joke. It’s not entirely chuckle-free, sure, but the occasional titter – easy now – does not make a movie.
2. The female characters aren’t given anywhere near enough to do, though Kelly Rohrbach does her best with weak material. Alexandra Daddario is almost not in the movie, while Ilfenesh Hadera might want to triple check the deleted scenes section of the DVD.
3. A rare one, this: jokes that work in the trailer don’t work in the film, which says a lot. What makes this film disappointing is not that it’s utterly appalling, but that it’s just not sharp enough, not inventive enough, and not what was sold in the trailer. You want a clever, winky, cheeky, knowing send-up of the 1990s “classic” à la 21 Jump Street with extra added Rock – and instead it’s a run of the mill, planned by committee, flabby, pseudo-rude, watered-down waste of potential.

Three word review: A beached whale.