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Listeners' Fantasies |
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From Ambridge to Limerick - Part Six
by various
 A couple of big Ambridge stories, as summed up by the limerick writers in The Archers message board.
Alan and Usha
There's Ross in pursuit of a story
Amidst dreams about Press Awards glory
But when on Helen's case
Did he find just one trace
Of the scoop about Brine, Shove and Ruairi?
The 'Our Reader Writes' letter page
Will be glowing with indignant rage
And also I think,
Iridescent with ink
Of a colour that Quink call greengage.
The vicar, or so it would seem,
Should review his pastoral team:
And then he should say,
In a nice, Christian way:
"You're fired, for destroying my dream!"
So, why did St Shugs have to bleat?
Is it just that her mouth, like her seat,
(Though contracted in Lent)
Is of such an extent
That surveyors quote roods, not square feet?
On Fridays nights in't Village Hall
There's a new sport to thrill and enthrall
It's bare knuckle fighting
And what's more exciting
It's bad blood that they're spilling. Thassorl.
When Alan chose Neil as Best Man
It was not for his speaking elan
But to act as a gag
For Neil's wife, the old nag
To stop more sh** hitting the fan!
A lawyer who hailed from Uganda
Had a chum but could no longer stand her
"You've a twist in your knicker!
Cos I'm wedding the Vicar!
You're a prig and a Little Eng-lander!"
A vicar whose Love from afar
Had a marriage-disapproving Papa
But after the cricket
(Which was just single wicket)
Pa said "Yah! I'll fix Ma!" They said "Ta!"
Ed, Emma and Will
A kite fell from the sky like a brick
And then buzzards (not parrots) fell sick
Eddie spoke to a pal
And the scapegoat's now Mal
But my money's still firmly on Nic
"Take me back!" begs our Emma of Ed
"It can never be" is what he said
And yet Radio Carter
Is not any the smarter
Saying "something's goin' on in 'er 'head"
On seeing Ed getting a thrashin',
Emma reached for a jar with some cash in;
On Will's head she smacked it,
But, sadly, just cracked it,
Though Will could see lights, brightly flashin'.
Norfolk's so dreadfully flat,
You would think you could not hide a cat,
But all Grundys know
Secret places to go
- and be found again - after a spat.
And a final one for Marjorie
'Twas the end of an era tonight.
She has travelled towards the bright light.
Beside pearly gates
Teddy and the girls wait
Goodbye Mrs A dear. Sleep tight.
Our thanks to Inguanoveritas, KnottedKernal, mommahog, Mr Snowy, Rettegrap, The Famous Eccles and Vicky S.
More limericks:
From Pip and Jude to Phil's death
From Matt and Lilian to Annette and Leon's fling
From Alice and Christopher to Bert's Ploughing Match
From Alan and Usha to Marjorie
From Home Farm to Scarlett Del Monte's snake
From Tom and Brenda's house hunting to Siobhan's tragedy.
From Adam and Ian’s nuptials to Nigel’s demolition work
Ill fated romance special: the Brookfield love quadrangle, and Christopher and Venetia
From a young lady called Emma to frisky Titcombe
More
Archers fantasies
Visit
the message board
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