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Listeners' Fantasies |
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From Ambridge to Limerick - Part Three
by various
 The limerick writers on the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board sum up the last six months, from Adam and Ian's nuptials to Nigel's demolition work.
There once was a Talented vicar
Who gave his devoted five knicker.
Eddie Grundy of course
Put the lot on a horse
But a stick insect could have run quicker
A ring in a box on a plate
Now that's an exemplary date!
Who will cater th'event
Grey Gables or tent?
Or will they ask Sid? I can't wait.
"I am here to see AC Ragini,
Who I've heard makes the finest linguini"
Adam said, somewhat strained
So the waiter explained
"It is I, Ian Craig" What a meanie!
"But, Lynda, it simply can't be -
"This wicked stepmother's not me"
"Trust me, Jill, I know.
"The star of my show
"Is a dwarf who is near six foot three"
No, Lynda, I know it's not right
This delib'rate miscasting's just trite
But if you want perverse
Then you could have done worse
Than casting young Em as Snow White
Nigel, that upper-class twit,
Sold some paintings, lickety-split,
Now it's not quite demonstrable,
That they were by Constable,
But he still felt so cross he could spit.
Mike Tucker got into a muddle,
When giving poor Clarrie a cuddle,
He was stroking her hair,
When he put his hand there,
But that's Mike for you, he just ain't suddle.
Jazzer isn't quite right in the head,
Took some pills, nearly ended up dead,
Now as milkman he's prized,
Brings cream, skim, pasteurized,
And other things, too, so it's said.
Joe Grundy, a hero unsung,
Has quite a mellifluous tongue,
His hoarse rasping voice,
Is no matter of choice,
"It's all down to me Farmer's Lung."
Helen's sent out invitations,
To all of her friends and relations.
Of "my boyfriend" she prates,
Sets the table and waits
Like that woman in Great Expectations.
Finding nice men's a joy she's not tasted,
So each night Helen's off to get wasted,
Hoping somehow to hit
On a prince for a bit;
But instead she's hit Mike, and not faced it.
So Helen has 'fessed up and coughed;
Admitting to driving while sloshed.
If Pat spreads the word,
And the grim truth is heard,
The village will think Tom's gone soft.
Now Helen has told Mike the truth
And he started to go through the roof
But her story of strife
Brought back thoughts of his wife
Could they soon be an item now - strewth!!
Dean Fletcher was sadly off track
He cut dear old Mike too much slack
He won't work out who dun
The foul hit-and-run
Till he gets out the thumbscrews and rack
India Beesborough at every occasion,
Is clad as befits her high station,
But her aspect posterior,
Is to Carly's inferior,
And excites rather less admiration.
Now Jennifer's nest is complete
Her mothering instinct's replete
Phebes, Nollie and Kate
(Trust Our Debs to be late!)
And Alice and Adam, how sweet.
'For he has my heart I have his'
Though neither of them was a miss
'Twas a wedding with tears
And fatherless fears
Let's wish them a long life of bliss.
You have to feel sad for Jack Wooley
He's not longer with it - not fully
His brain-box has frazzled
And completely unravelled
A bit like an old wooly-pully
The Tuckers have got this sad plight
It's making poor Hayley uptight
I cannot believe
That she's failed to conceive
When they're at it like rabbits each night
If you want a small job doing well
Don't DIY, call Robert Snell
Conscientious and fair
He works with due care
Not like those rogue tradesmen from Hell
So Lilian spoke at the wake
'Twas more than our poor Jack could take
Now it has to be said
That the way that she read
Sounded kindly and wise (oh how fake!)
I think that Mike could have been nicer
In promising help from his ISA
Why didn't the louse
Offer funds for their house
But to keep them with him's worth the price, sir
When you find that your birthday surprise
Means you're pampered from toenails to eyes
And each spot in between
Wow! You feel like a queen
Then it's back to the burgers and fries
Roy Tucker has taken the hump
About Kate and her imminent bump
So he rang up Home Farm
And in tones less than calm
Accused Jenny of being a chump
Jenny asked "Why's he acting this way?"
If she'd known of his plans gone astray
But she just didn't think
Now she's been tipped the wink
By that sensitive soul, Brian A
Poor Nigel is quite in a tizzy
Much to the concern of his Lizzie
With no beech trees to climb
As he did in his prime
It's good he has vines to keep busy.
If you want your emporium bigger
Then craftily park up a digger
A tweak of the brake
Is all it should take
Then stand back, and enjoy, but don't snigger.
A swig of his Chateau Neuf Pape
Makes Nigel a happy wee chap
But no offie near you
Will stock this premier cru
Though Esso might have it on tap.
Our thanks to Anglo-Norman, antiquelemonsqueezer, arabellafotheringtonthomas, Bemused of Borchester, BorchesterBaggers, fluffysherpa, KnottedKernel, Mr Legs, Mr Snowy, PennYan, Piers Plowman, Plantation Pig, stillblooming and Vicky S
More limericks:
From Pip and Jude to Phil's death
From Matt and Lilian to Annette and Leon's fling
From Alice and Christopher to Bert's Ploughing Match
From Alan and Usha to Marjorie
From Home Farm to Scarlett Del Monte's snake
From Tom and Brenda's house hunting to Siobhan's tragedy.
From Adam and Ian’s nuptials to Nigel’s demolition work
Ill fated romance special: the Brookfield love quadrangle, and Christopher and Venetia
From a young lady called Emma to frisky Titcombe
More
Archers fantasies
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