'Healthy relationships and communities thrive on forgiveness.' Dr Chetna Kang - 29/04/17

Reading about the couple who, after 69 years of marriage, left this world holding hands within 40 minutes of each other really touched the romantic in me. To be married for so long and happily is a rare thing these days. When I got married at the tender age of 22 I was advised by my family priest that ongoing forgiveness would be an essential ingredient in a successful relationship. Almost two decades later this advice is still helping me today.

As a psychiatrist, I often find that people can find it hard to forgive the ones they spend the most time with and as they harbour resentment over minor transgressions this can snowball into a grudge. This can manifest as conversations without eye contact, avoidance, irritability and soon they stop listening to each other. Harbouring resentment can destroy personal and professional relationships and, as I see with my patients it can also exacerbate psychological distress as it keeps alive previous traumas, no matter how big or small.

There is the potential to misunderstand forgiveness to mean that it absolves the other person of their responsibility to change, or that if we forgive, we're implying that what they did was acceptable. I think what it does mean is that we're relieving ourselves of the burden of waiting for the day when the other is punished. My Guru would often tell us that not forgiving is like walking around carrying a hot coal in your hands and waiting for a time when you can throw it at your offender. That time may or may not come, but look how much damage you have done to your own hand in the meantime.

In the Hindu scriptures, when Arjun asks Krishna what some of the indications of spiritual development are, forgiveness is one of the first things Krishna mentions in his response. He describes it as a natural attribute of the spiritual self and that our ability to forgive comes more easily with practice and, as our soul is regularly nourished.

Although we might find it is easier to forgive those we have genuine love for, the very act of forgiveness generates more love and care as we open ourselves up to cooperation and goodwill towards others. Healthy relationships and communities thrive on forgiveness. Although it can so often seem counter-intuitive, I believe it’s an attribute that is natural to us but requires daily practice.

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