How colourism complicates the dating game

Black, single and searching for Mr Right, Bridgitte Tetteh heard her fair share of dating horror stories. “I don’t date black women” was a sentence she’d heard uttered too many times. In Single Black Female she explores the relationship between dating and race.

“Pretty for dark skin” is a phrase Rachel, who works in fashion, has heard on numerous occasions when searching for love. She is just one of many black women who told me that black men were judging their potential as a suitable romantic partner by the hue of their skin tone.

Growing up I was very aware that if you had light eyes, long wavy hair, fair skin… basically anything the opposite of my thick full afro and brown skin, you were going to get far more male attention.

Decades later, my journey has revealed not enough has changed. A quick search of the issues online produces many headlines, and there are high profile personalities who are accused of insulting and making fun of dark skin black women. I also watched videos where young men describe the prospect of dating a black girl as “disgusting”. YouTuber VanBanter asks, “Are dark skinned girls underrated?” It’s why I’ve been on a journey investigating the hurdles black women face when looking for love.

I wasn’t prepared for the recurring issue of colourism, or to put it another way, the discrimination people with darker skin tones face, even from other black people. Poet Natural Wright says black men often tell her that they don’t “date black women”. Black professional Amina believes the men she has grown up with were exposed to a very European, Caucasian aesthetic in the media, which has meant they find it easier to relate to women who have lighter skin tones.

Bridgitte Tetteh

Is she right? Or could the answers be buried deeper in black consciousness? I met a psychotherapist who runs a group for black women. Dawn Estefan says historical factors are to blame. She uses the term “post-traumatic slave syndrome” to describe the messages which have permeated through the generations: “whiter meaning survival, whiter meaning safety, whiter meaning better.” Dawn believes current attitudes towards race and dating are being dictated by “hundreds of years of trauma without a healing space”. She alludes to fairer skin slaves who were allowed to work inside their slave masters’ home, while their darker counterparts were sent into the fields.

At this point I have a slightly awkward question to put to you. How dark do you have to be, to have an opinion on colourism? Clare Anyam Asigwe, a dermatologist, was told she was not dark enough to have an opinion. She says she has seen a worrying increase in the number of African and Caribbean women attending her Harley Street clinic to ask for advice on the best way to lighten their skin.

In 2009, an Equality and Human Rights Commission survey found 48% of men from Caribbean backgrounds in Britain were in relationships with a partner of a different race. The same is true of one in five black African men. Mixed-race relationships are now common and, in my view, are a positive sign of an integrated and diverse society. But are these statistics also a sign that black men are falling out of love with black women?

The men I spoke to tell me that it’s simply not true and that black men are in vogue. Actor Justin tells me “You get white girls who are more attracted to you because you’re black and cool and know who So Solid [Crew] are”. Entrepreneur Ofalabi blames media stereotyping, while actor Kadeem tells me some of his friends are looking for a white girlfriend like celebrity Kim Kardashian.

It’s no surprise that the relationship between race and dating is complex. But I can’t help thinking, without honest discussion within the black community, how will the many issues ever be addressed?

Single Black Female is produced and presented by Bridgitte Tetteh, and is a Loftus Media Production. You can find it as part of the Seriously… podcast.