Seven ways you know you’re at a hipster wedding

1. Rumi’s poetry

If you’ve been asked to do the reading, chances are it’ll be Rumi. The Persian poet and Sufi mystic of the 13th Century is a huge favourite for hipster couples about to join together in holy matrimony and save up for their first Citroen Ami.

“In companionship and happiness
may you be like milk and honey
in union and fidelity,
just like sugar and halva”

Incidentally halva’s a shoo-in for the wedding menu, too.

2. DIY decorations

Hipsters love a bit of alternative DIY. If the invitation looks like it’s been made by a toddler or the ceremony involves you having to write three inspiring words about the bride on a blackboard, then you’re in the land of the glitter beard.

3. Kiddult activities

Hipsters are a strange mix of the hugely sophisticated and very childish. So you’ll be drinking artisanal organic cider on a bouncy castle, or people in Manolos will be knackering the lawn on space hoppers. The wedding service could include anything from Winnie the Pooh to the instructions for a Teasmaid intoned ironically.

4. Freaky Food

If you’re expecting something solid and wholesome, think again. It’ll either be miniature versions of big things, or massive versions of titchy things. So it could be a tiny shepherds pie shaped like a moustache, followed by a Liquorice Allsort the size of your head. Either way it’ll be baffling. It will also be described as “so fun” which is hipster-speak for “alienating and makes your guests want to drown you in the artisanal well.”

Vintage, vintage, vintage. Everything will have a history. So much so that you need to be careful when complimenting a guest on their appearance as you could still be there twenty five minutes later nodding intelligently while they describe how they trekked Macchu Picchu in order to track down their shoelaces. There’ll be a lot of inappropriate sparkliness in the daytime, sleeve tattoos, pointy shoes, Stetsons; all the women will look like Socality Barbie and no-one’s hair will be hair-coloured.

6. The vows

Now we’re used to the “oh no they’ve written their own vows” thing. But hipsters take it to a whole new level. The couple will promise to be cool to each other forever, to not, like, ever be a downer and to completely, like, respect each other’s stuff. They won’t have prepared any of this nonsense as they don’t want to seem too try-hard, so they’ll just witter on for hours while the rest of the guests check out each other’s dungarees.

7. The presents

Not for them the breadmaker, oh no. You'll be asked for donations to a road trip across Cuba or forced to paint a mural of the happy couple on the side of their Winnebago.

So now you are equipped with the ability to spot, endure, or ideally, avoid, a hipster wedding. We’re off to propose. As Rumi says, we are “a drunken songbird put in with owls… Talking is pain. Lie down and rest.” Cool.