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What would the greats of literature ask their Voice Command Device?

1. CHAUCER

Where's a good place in Kent to set some tales?
Where in Somerset do wives usually come from?
What exactly is a Pardoner?
Is it someone who’s hard of hearing or is there more to it than that?
What other vague societal groups can you write tales about?
Do blacksmiths ever do anything interesting?
Could I cram another nun in there?
How many fart jokes is too many fart jokes?

Would taming small mammals get bums on seats?
Shakespeare?

2. SHAKESPEARE

What does "doth" actually mean?
Is there any money in writing about miserable Danes?
Would anyone be interested in a play about a donkey?
Do theatre-goers like bad Scots with bad wives?
Would taming small mammals get bums on seats?
Do people care about kings?
How do you write a musical?

3. MILTON

Should I take this ghostwriting gig?
Will God be angry if I write about Satan?
Will Satan pay me if I write about him?
What are some synonyms for Satan?
What rhymes with Satan?
How long should I wait for an invoice to be paid?
Where did I put that paradise?

4. JANE AUSTEN

How can I meet strapping stablehands in my local area?
How can I meet willing costermongers in my local area?
How can I meet knowledgable navvies in my local area?
How can I meet experimental clerics in my local area?
How can I meet titillating toshers in my local area?
How can I meet open-minded mudlarks in my local area?
How can I meet discreet apothecaries in my local area?

Could I sell a book called "Scrooge 2: This Time It’s Whitsun"?
Dickens?

5. CHARLES DICKENS

What are some other holidays that I can exploit?
Is there such a thing as an Easter Carol?
Does the "Ghost of Lent Past" sound plausible?
Could I sell a book called "Scrooge 2: This Time It’s Whitsun"?
How about "Tiny Tim’s Magical Pentecost"?
Should I just write some more books about urchins?

6. HEMINGWAY

Where can I buy some baby shoes?
How do you work out the size of a baby’s foot?
Do babies even need shoes?
Are shoes a good gift for a baby?
Should I try a little harder with my infant gifts?
What’s the most efficient way of getting rid of baby shoes?

7. DOROTHY PARKER

What are some good devastating putdowns?
Can you supply some cruel jibes?
How to identify personal weakness in any given individual?
What are the latest damaging quips concerning acquaintances?
Why doesn’t anyone like me?

8. GEORGE ELIOT

Where can I buy a cheap fake beard?

9. GEORGE ORWELL

What’s the laziest name for a book?
What’s the laziest name for a book about some animals on a farm?
Should I just use that name for now and change it later?
How about my book set in 1984?
What’s the most obvious title for a book set in a certain year?
How am I getting away with this?

What exactly is Noddy?
Enid Blyton?

11. ENID BLYTON

How many books have I written today?
How about now?
Now?
Are you sure? I think I squeezed another one out just now?
How about now?
What does "market saturation" mean?
What exactly is Noddy?

11. BEATRIX POTTER

What’s a good name for a rabbit?
What do rabbits wear?
What do rabbits eat?
What kind of hijinks do rabbits get up to?
Rabbit recipe ideas?

12. AGATHA CHRISTIE

What’s a good way to murder someone? No, wait, that sounds bad, forget I mentioned murder…
Oh dear, I think I mentioned murder again, can you delete that last murder?
Should I use "slaughtering" instead?
Is that worse?
Dear the Police: If you are hearing this, can I just point out that I’m not a murderer?
Is there a way to self-destruct this thing?

Quizzes and brain-teasers from Radio 4