Six ways to dodge a public speaking engagement

Mouth dry? Legs got the shakes? Voice sounding like a budgie on helium? You’re about to speak in public, aren’t you? Whether it’s a best man’s speech or a presentation when you need to impress, public speaking can reduce us all to jelly. If you’re trying to dodge a public speaking engagement, here’s our guide to ducking the dais.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars

Gwynnie started crying and couldn’t stop when accepting her Oscar for Shakespeare in Love in 1999. She thanked everyone in the world and then descended into full on Truly, Madly, Deeply snot-string crying, especially when she started talking about her parents and describing people as "earthly guardian angels".

Result: Everybody accepting awards everywhere started carrying tissues to avoid a snotty incident, just in case.

Would it work for you?: Possibly. Start dabbing at your eyes and talking about how emotional you are and you could quite easily be given the Paltrow Swerve.

2. Gussie Fink-Nottle at Market Snodsbury Grammar School

A lifelong teetotaller, Gussie Fink-Nottle is accidentally made plastered by Bertie Wooster and Jeeves in Right Ho, Jeeves. He proceeds to make a monumental lash-up of his speech to the schoolboys of Market Snodsbury Grammar School at their prize-giving. He calls the headmaster a "silly ass", accuses the winner of the Scripture Knowledge prize of outright cheating, shouts the word "wattle" 16 times and has just turned his attention to the audience when the ceremony is brought to an abrupt halt by the headmaster.

Result: A spectacular way to ensure you are never, ever asked to speak in public again.

Would it work for you?: Overdoing the Dutch courage is a regular pitfall to the unwary public speaker. Let people know what a light head you have and then declare your intention of having a "good large snifter" before your speech.

3. President George Bush Sr to insurance company employees in New Hampshire

"You cannot be president of the United States if you don’t have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can’t be. And we are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for – don’t cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care." This is an excellent example of what happens when you wander into a thought you can’t get out of.

Result: People wondered at what point he’d started learning English.

Would it work for you?: Well it worked for his son on a near constant basis.

4. Damian Trench at the Book Festival

Celebrity chef Damian Trench (Miles Jupp) in In and Out of the Kitchen is asked to step in at the last minute and be interviewed in lieu of a novelist who writes about his time in the SAS. Damian is both nervous and drunk, chokes on an oatcake and suddenly realises half the audience still believe he is the ex-soldier. He attempts a brave reading of a bloodthirsty passage of the soldier’s novel and throws up.

Result: A bewildered audience covered in bits of oatcake.

Would it work for you?: Being roped in at the last minute is always petrifying. If you can, try and anticipate the request and faint.

5. David Brent’s motivational speech to his colleagues

After describing the beneficial effects of laughter to his stunned workforce, Brent tries to get them to do a bit of spontaneous laughing to release endorphins. He laughs alone like a chimp, then announces his intention to "make like a banana and split", but not before putting a baseball cap on back to front and singing Simply the Best at them.

Result: His staff are motivated. To murder him.

Would it work for you?: Yes but be aware that any adult who wears a baseball cap on backwards deserves some sort of physical retribution. You’ll certainly never be asked to motivate anyone ever again.

6. Jim Dixon’s speech on Merrie England

Jim Dixon in Kingsley Amis’s Lucky Jim is called upon by his boss, Professor Welch, to give a talk on Merrie England about which Jim knows little and cares less. He gets drunk, arrives on stage with a black eye, and overcome with nerves, ends up doing an impersonation of Professor Welch. His speech is only halted when his friend feigns a faint to divert attention from the catastrophe on stage.

Result: Jim was fired.

Would it work for you?: Nervous impressions come under the same bracket as accidentally mimicking the regional accent of your audience. A bold move, only for the brave and those who have a fast car with its engine running in the car park.

So there we are. Hope that helped. If none of these work however, it’s not the end of the world. Deep breaths, drop your shoulders, open up your larynx, throw your head back and run like hell.