How to talk to your kids about divorce

Charlotte Friedman

Going through a divorce can be tough enough on the couple, but how exactly do you break the news to your children – without worrying that you’re causing them long-lasting emotional damage?

Charlotte Friedman is a former family law barrister-turned-psychotherapist, who works with both divorcing couples and adults still feeling the impact of their own parents’ split. We asked her to share her expert advice on talking to your kids about the D word. Here are her ten pointers...

Obviously much harder if you’re not on speaking terms, but where possible it’s worth trying to prepare what you will (and won’t) say in collaboration with your partner.

“A co-operative story, which is non-blaming, and sets out some of the facts [is the ideal],” advises Charlotte.

“Even if you feel so furious and you're really angry… try and accept that whatever’s gone wrong is between you and your partner. You don’t have to recruit your children into your view of your relationship – you wouldn’t do it if you stayed together, so try hard not to do it when you separate.

“To protect them from it is important. That's not to lie to them or keep secrets, but to say ‘this is between me and dad and we're sorting it out’.”

2. Tell them what THEY need to know

“Tell your children that you're still a family but you're a family that's changed and operating in a different sort of way. What they want to hear is what their life is going to look like, [and] that it isn't going to be turned upside down in such a way that they're very unsettled and insecure.

“They want to know what their routine is going to be, how often they're going to see the other parent, if they're going to move, what's the flat going to look like? If they have to change school, where are they going to go? Are they going to have the same friends? Those are legitimate questions that they need answers to.”

3. Timing is everything

It's not only thinking about what you’re going to say, but when you’re going to say it – so avoid dropping a bombshell on special occasions or school nights.

“There has to be some space around [the discussion] for your children to process it, and think about some questions,” says Charlotte.

“And if they want to run off to their bedroom and slam the door and have a good cry or a good shout, that they don't have to go out and do an exam or go to school the following morning.”

“When people separate, suddenly any differences in parenting are highlighted, and often people don't feel at all pleased by their ex-partner’s parenting style.

“When you’re really angry because your child has been fed pizza, watched a film they shouldn’t have, or gone to bed at 9 instead of 8, actually it’s about holding on to a grievance and keeping you connected in some very unsatisfactory way with your ex, rather than it being about the children's best interests,” suggests Charlotte, who sees little harm in letting the small things go.

“No child has ever grown up and said, ‘Oh, when I was with my dad or my mum I went to bed too late’ or ‘I was given too many presents’.”

5. Don’t make your child feel guilty

Suddenly having to share parenting can be one of the most painful things about divorce, but don’t be tempted to use contact with the kids as a weapon against your ex-partner.

“Instead of being very involved in their day-to-day care, you suddenly only see them half the time, or every other weekend, or two nights during the week… you feel the loss of it.

“[But] it’s important for children to feel secure enough that they can go and see their other parent without feeling that they're letting you down… that somehow you're going to kind of collapse when they're not there.”

6. Try not to criticise your ex

“Children don't have enough experience of the world to make sense of what you're saying and the truth can sometimes be a bit of a blunt instrument – so, although it's important to not tell lies, it's whether they're capable of managing what you’re saying. If you can do this without criticising your former partner, everybody will benefit.

“Nobody is saying that one person should be ‘nicey nicey’ or that you're not entitled to your very legitimate feelings about what's happened to you. But try to not let that spill out into the arena of bringing up your children, because it's a separate thing.”

7. Don’t try and get the children to take ‘your side’

“If you have friends, a support network, a counsellor, you don't need your children to be on your side… that’s not their job,” says Charlotte.

“What you need your children to do is to be children and to be free so they don't have to make those decisions about who's right and who's wrong.

“I see many adults who have been the children of divorcing parents, and the most important thing is that they are not messengers or spies, that you are not recruiting them as judges but they can come and go between two households.

While you might not want to hear how fabulous/unfabulous things are at your ex-partner’s new home, it’s important to stay open so your children can talk honestly about their lives there and their feelings about it.

“Invite a dialogue, ask children if they're ok… They need to know that there's a channel of communication by which they can actually say what's going on, and that they’ll have a parent who's receptive and not going to be shut down.”

9. Tell the school

While your kids might feel miserable, unable to concentrate in class or be avoiding their homework, they might not be up to telling anyone why.

“You need as a responsible parent to go and say ‘look this has happened so my child might show signs of being in distress, or not being able to think, or get into trouble… can we have some sort of care around that?’

“A lot of schools have counsellors they can signpost children to or will be in touch with the local CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Service). Just emphasise, ‘please can you deal with this confidentially because the whole community doesn’t know, and I'm going to tell my child that I've told you this.’”

10. It’s ok to be upset – but have faith that things should get easier

“If you’ve had a terrible shock because your relationship is over, I think it would be beyond human endurance to show that you’re not upset at all,” says Charlotte.

“When you’re at the beck and call of the most overwhelming feelings you have to be really together enough to not only navigate a very difficult legal process but to manage your children's expectations of divorce… I’m so struck by how easy it is to blame yourself for all sorts of things and think you've done this wrong.

“But divorce is not only an end, it's the beginning of something,” she adds. “[Many people] know people who have been through divorce, then a few year's later you can see that they’re happier than they were before and that life continues.”

Charlotte Friedman was speaking to Jane Garvey for the Woman’s Hour Parenting Podcast. You can hear their conversation in full, or download more episodes here.