Learning English

Narrator
Algernon has just asked his good friend Jack to explain why he calls himself Jack in the country but Ernest in London. Jack says it's because he is the guardian of a girl called Cecily, who lives with him in the country. She looks up to him and he feels he should behave well when he's with her, so he pretends he has a younger brother called Ernest so that when he comes up to London, he can enjoy himself.

Jack
That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth.

Algernon
So, Ernest, you are a Bunburyist!

Jack
What on earth do you mean?

Algernon
You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, so that you can come to London as often as you like. I have invented a sick friend called Bunbury so that I can go to the country whenever I like. Bunbury is invaluable. For example, if Bunbury didn't have such bad health, I would have to have dinner with my aunt Lady Bracknell tonight. And I have no intention of doing that.

Jack
Why not?

Algernon
Well, to begin with, I had dinner with her on Monday - once a week is quite enough to eat with your own relations. Secondly, I know I will be seated next to Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband - most unpleasant! Besides, I want to have dinner with you and talk about Bunburyism.

Jack
I'm not a... Bunburyist. In fact I think I am going to kill my brother Ernest. Cecily is a little too interested in him. And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr... with your sick friend.

Algernon
I will not be separated from Bunbury...  (a bell rings) Ah! That must be my aunt now. Now, if I keep her busy for ten minutes so you can propose to Gwendolen, will you have dinner with me tonight?

Jack
Alright Algy...

Lane
Lady Augusta Bracknell and Miss Gwendolen Fairfax.

Narrator
A well-dressed, elderly woman and her daughter, a pretty, young lady enter the room.

Lady Bracknell
Good afternoon, dear Algernon. Oh, hello, Mr Worthing.

Jack
Hello, Lady...

Lady Bracknell
Now, Algernon... I'd like a nice cup of tea, and one of those cucumber sandwiches you promised me.

Algernon
Certainly, Aunt Augusta. Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?

Lane
There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir.  

Algernon
No cucumbers!

Lane
No, sir. 

Algernon
I am very sorry, Aunt Augusta.

Lady Bracknell
It doesn't matter, Algernon. Pour me some tea.

Algernon
Here you are.

Lady Bracknell
Thank you. Now, Algernon, about tonight - you will be seated next to Mary Farquhar. 

Algernon
I'm afraid, Aunt Augusta, I won't be able to have dinner with you tonight.

Lady Bracknell
But why not, Algernon?

Algernon
Well, I have just heard that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. I'll have to go and see him.

Lady Bracknell
It's very strange. This Mr Bunbury seems to have curiously bad health. I think it is time that he made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. And I would be very grateful if you could ask Mr Bunbury to please not be ill on Saturday, because I need you to organise my music at my soirée.

Algernon
I'll speak to him, Aunt Augusta, and I'm sure he'll be well by Saturday. But why don't we go next door to look at the programme of music I've prepared.

Lady Bracknell
Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you.

Narrator
Algernon and his aunt go into the music room, leaving Jack and Gwendolen alone.

Jack
It has been a lovely day, Miss Fairfax.

Gwendolen
Please don't talk to me about the weather, Mr Worthing. Whenever people talk about the weather, I am sure they mean something else. And that makes me nervous.

Jack
I do mean something else.

Gwendolen
I thought so. 

Jack
Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you...

Gwendolen
Yes, I realised that. Actually, I have always been fascinated by you... even before we met.  

Jack
Really?

Gwendolen
Yes, I've always wanted to love someone called Ernest. That name inspires complete confidence. When Algernon first mentioned that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.

Jack
You really love me, Gwendolen?

Gwendolen
Passionately!

Jack
But you don't really mean that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't Ernest?

Gwendolen
But your name is Ernest.

Jack
Yes, I know. But what if it was something else? Do you mean you couldn't love me then? Personally, I don't think the name suits me.

Gwendolen
It suits you perfectly. 

Jack
But there are lots of other much nicer names. Jack, for instance, is a charming name.

Gwendolen
Jack? Oh, no, Jack does not have the same sound at all. It's not exciting. The only really safe name is Ernest.

Jack
Gwendolen, I must get christened at once - I mean, we must get married at once.

Gwendolen
Married, Mr Worthing?

Jack
Well... surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you felt the same.

Gwendolen
I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage.

Jack
Well... may I propose to you now?

Narrator
And so Jack kneels down and asks Gwendolen to marry him. She accepts and Jack is still on his knees when Lady Bracknell returns.

Lady Bracknell
Mr Worthing! Do get up! 

Gwendolen
Mamma! Please leave us. Mr Worthing has not quite finished yet.

Lady Bracknell
Finished what, may I ask?

Gwendolen
I am engaged to Mr Worthing, mamma. 

Lady Bracknell
Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do become engaged, I, or your father will tell you. A young girl should be surprised by an engagement, pleasantly or unpleasantly. It is not something that she is allowed to arrange for herself... And now I would like to ask you a few questions, Mr Worthing. Gwendolen, can you wait for me below in the carriage.

Gwendolen
Mamma!