Jay Rayner and the Inheritance Tracks of Julian Lloyd Webber

While lots of us are happy to while away the empty hours of the weekend winding the odd bit of whicker, or doing a spot of crochet, not many people decide to devote their time to knitting an entire city. That’s what craft queen Vicky Harrison has done – she currently a month away from completing her epic knitted replica of Bristol.

(Pic: The buildings are the mud dock cycle cafe, Watershed and the crane from the docks.)

Take one place way out in the mild, mild west

Light the Gas, get out a melting pot

Throw in merchants, Methodists and pirates

Mix Georgian splendour with graffitied squat

Marinade slowly in rum and sugar

Smoke in hand-rolled tobacco by the docks

Sear its past with the scars of slavery

Infuse its soul with the unorthodox

Whisk up a bridge across the Avon Gorge

Steam in the shipshape fashion of Brunel

Blend Wallace and Gromit’s cracking ideas

With Concorde’s supersonic farewell

Beat drum ‘n bass ‘n dub into trip-hop

Wallop in a dollop of Banksy’s wit

Preserve pride in a People’s Republic

Flambe in a riot of colour and grit

Melt Fry’s chocolate, stir in Nathan Filer’s words

Add Chris and Johnny Morris - a pinch of each

Pour in a blue glass of rich Harvey’s Cream

Sprinkle with the stardust of Archibald Leach

Season and spice with DJ Derek’s reggae

Braise in cider and anarchic spirit

Drizzle in “Brizzle” a la Julie Burchill

“Awright me old babber, mazen’, innit?”

Garnish with the Old Vic’s “Salad Days”

Serve chilled out and downtempo, don’t rush

A radical dish, full of flavours, yer tiz -

Just a little taste of Bristol - girt lush

by elvis mcgonagall for “saturday live” 3/5/2014

“Are you ready to order?” asked the waiter

“Yes” I said, “Feed me like an epicure                                           

I want to eat my way around the world

Take me on a gastronomic tour

I’d like Arbroath smokies and Parma ham

Worcester sauce, Peking duck, Dover sole

Sardines, Baked Alaska, Dijon mustard

And a California sushi roll

Jerusalem artichokes, Brussels sprouts

French fries, French dressing, French beans

Yorkshire pudding and Turkish delight

Frankfurters, Hamburgers, Tangerines

Greek yoghurt, Scotch bonnets and Bombay mix

‘Bolognese-and-a-Gorgonzola-cheese-a’”

“Sir, I’ll stop you right there” said the waiter

“That’s far too many toppings for one pizza”

by elvis mcgonagall for “saturday live” 3/5/2014

Don’t want “pan-fried” gnu in a saffron jus

Dribbled with a foam of unicorn tears

Don’t want “hand-foraged” truffles topped with gold dust

Resting on a bed of ridiculous ideas

Don’t want food “plated up” by Jackson Pollock

Don’t want spuds sculpted like mini Taj Mahals

Don’t need a night sky of Michelin stars

Don’t need a right load of old Blumenthals

Just give me a taverna on an island

Ouzo and pistachios for starters

Plump purple olives, oil, salt, hunks of bread

Dunked in pale white taramasalata

Barefoot in the sand by the Aegean

Garlic frying in a beachside kantina

Skordalia and golden kalamari

A cold tin mug of pine-scented Retsina

A soft breeze full of thyme and oregano

Tomatoes bursting with sunshine, sharp feta

The warm vanilla glow of Metaxa

A little slice of heaven, none better

by elvis mcgonagall for “saturday live” 3/5/2014