Jermain Deffo

The poor lad was left so exposed it's quite likely he's being treated for hypothermia 'n'all. If he can stop himself from sticking his studs in a prone defender's shin there'd be no problem with him.

Defoe takes home an added extra from his weekend's work

As it is, unless Eriksson calls up Cap about some schoolboy with no first team experience who he's found delivering evening papers in Nottingham, I think Defoe can book his tickets to Jo'burg right away.

Mind it's hard to judge when a defence is this generous. It wasn't so much Christmas for Defoe and co as the Elves' Christmas Party and they'd left the grotto keys in the door. Every time they got the ball the defenders dropped it back at the feet of a Spur like a bunch of tireless retrievers.

Titus Bramble returned to the form we know and love him for - at one point Defoe turned him like a rusty kid's roundabout in a park - and Edman gave Insua a run for his money as the League's limpest full-back.

Even Bentley got a chance to do his Lazy Becks impression. If I was a Latics fan I'd be calling for the stocks to be re-introduced into the town centre.

The shock of it was only surpassed when they went back to the MotD2 studio to hear the opinions of Lee Dixon and some bloke from a Bee Gees tribute band masquerading as a professional footballer. Robbie Savage, he called himself.

Thanks to Spurs then for giving us an extraordinary scoreline, cos all too many of the other fixtures confirmed what we already know.

Chelsea have more depth than your average Pacific trench. Blue posters on this messageboard have been talking up the lad Kakuta and after his half-hour on Saturday you'd have to say whoever it was who decided to contact Lens had his glasses on. I think Chelsea'll walk it this season.

Darren Fletcher continues to be the most improved footballer in the division. Here's a lad who used to get called in for ankle-tapping duties when Scholes had gone ginger ninja once too often.

He's never lacked an engine but now he's learnt to pass and score as well as do the sort of things that make Monsieur Wenger all uppity. In fact he wouldn't have a care in the world if it wasn't for the fact that he has to pull on a Scotland jersey once in a while.

The recruitment drive for Burley's replacement isn't looking terribly encouraging either. It's like one of them army line-ups when the NCO asked for a volunteer and all but one of them take a step backwards. Given that Levein hasn't ruled himself out, I expect he'll be the next holder of the poisoned chalice.

Arsenal have finally lost in a way that most of us think they will: outmuscled but not outclassed. Benitez is insistent his team will be top four this season. He's wrong. Top six will be a result.

His squad resembles an Adult Education class in First Aid at the moment and even Steven couldn't prise a win from the strangely defensive Man City. They've had more draws than a lingerie salesman and you can't help thinking that 200 million quid ought to buy a bit more than a bunch of cagey cash-rich counter-attackers.

Sparky will be under pressure very soon. He's getting frustrated that his team keeps throwing away odd-goal leads and that they should be able 'to see the game out'. How about 'score another and it's game over'?

Zola's side have one win from their last 13 league games

Benitez suffered a similarly negative mindset last year and it cost Liverpool the title. City are a long way off being owt much yet.

West Ham continue to be the worst protectors of a two-goal lead in the history of football. Zola's team were undone by a spooky deflection and a penalty award that couldn't have been softer had it been lined by the pelt of a sea otter.

I mean if all we have to do is back into the defender, feign a jump and fall on our faces we could get 10 penalties a match. Not surprisingly the Hull pickpocket was called Fagin, even if it was the Artful Dodger Bullard - a kind of footballing Tuffers - who tucked home the pen.

Paul Hart's post-match Eeyore impersonation is becoming the feature of the season. As far as I can tell from Hart's comments, Pompey have been brilliant but unlucky all season.

Soon, he'll be getting almost Churchillian - 'Never has so much been given, by so few, for so little.' Seven points from 13 games? That's not unlucky, that's positively cursed.

Burnley can consider themselves unlucky to draw courtesy of football's equivalent of a yeti sighting, an Emile Heskey goal, and Bolton continue to ply their charmless trade in the lower reaches.

I've got nowt against the Trotters, I just feel that they've well outstayed their welcome in the top flight now.