Review of the week

Pompey and Arsenal fans might disagree - if Nelson Mandela had taken over the reins at the Lane, with Muhammad Ali and Angelina Jolie as his assistants, you'd still be hard-pressed to find a Gooner wishing them well.

And where does all this leave Dr Jay-Kettle Williams? He's the poor fella who was hired just last week by Portsmouth to de-Cockney-fy 'Arry's team talks for the legion of foreign players who hadn't got a Danny La Rue what he was going on about. It's difficult to see how a London club like Spurs could take the good doctor on (coals to Newcastle and all that), so it looks like he's been well and truly left in the Eartha.

And suddenly all the jokes that have continued to bombard my inbox have also become redundant. Oh go on then, we'll have one for old times sake - 'My wife was feeling rather naughty last night - "Humiliate me!" she said. So I bought her a Tottenham shirt.' Boom boom.

On any other weekend, Liverpool's magnificent victory at fortress Chelsea would have hogged the headlines. Xabi Alonso's wickedly deflected strike ended an 86-game unbeaten run at Stamford Bridge, dating back to February 2004, when Hull were in the bottom tier and Ronnie Wood's girlfriend was studying for her GCSEs.

Arsenal, the victors on that day, took full advantage of Chelsea's slip-up to move within a point of the Blues. All the pre-match talk centred around captain William Gallas after he was pictured with a cigarette in his mouth and The Sun marked the win at West Ham with a top 10 of smoking footballers - Paul Lambert & Butler being a particular favourite.

After a quiet few weeks, normal service was resumed at Man Utd, with Rio losing his cool, Fergie blowing his top and Rooney kissing his badge in a fit of petulance - he'd obviously got wind of the rumours that the lads were going to buy him a wig for his birthday.

At my own club, Iain Dowie got the push after a whole 15 games in charge. Caretaker Gareth Ainsworth led QPR to a creditable 0-0 draw at Reading, insisting he and not Flavio Briatore had picked the team. Yes, and Kerry Catona was perfectly fit to be interviewed on This Morning.
But the week's Comical Ali award went to Momo Sissoko, who when asked about his Champions League ambitions, declared: "I won it with Liverpool and now I want to win it with Juventus." That would be the Champions League Liverpool won two months before you joined, eh Momo?

Gordon Strachan was in top form before Celtic's Champions League clash at Old Trafford, declaring his side was so small he wanted to see Snow White leading them out. In the event there was to be no fairytale ending for the Bhoys, although the manner of their defeat could certainly be described as Grimm.

Aston Villa striker John Carew received a hefty fine after visiting a lap-dancing club on the day of the Uefa Cup clash with Ajax. He responded by coming off the bench to net against Wigan - the second time he'd scored that week (possibly).

One thing I've noticed in the last few weeks is the trend for newspaper journalists to use middle names in their copy. Emile Heskey became Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey after his sterling performances for England, while the match-winner for Chelsea against Roma was one John George Terry.

On the managerial front, Joe Kinnear is now known as JFK in tribute his favourite word, but Chelsea's assistant must be relieved you don't hear Ray Colin Wilkins mentioned too much. Oops, sorry Ray.

And finally, while Chipstead's Darryl Coleman won the celebration of the week for donning a pirate hat after scoring against Torquay, the best video by a mile saw 5 Live listener Alex give his rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, replacing each lyric with the name of a footballer - pure genius.