Review of the week

As former member Vinnie Jones put it: "Short of Peter Pan or Paul McKenna, Newcastle have the next best thing in Joe." In fact Kinnear was more Paul Daniels than McKenna - every time he did a disappearing act his team scored - now that's magic.

Over at White Hart Lane, Tottenham's worst run since 1912 - the same year the Titanic went down - provided perfect fodder for the headline writers, with 'sinking', 'battle' and 'struggle' just three of the words used to accompany the name of the famous ship.

If you believe the Red Tops, Juande Ramos is a dead man walking - with El Tel the latest name in the frame. What Daniel Levy could really do with is someone to get the best out of his strikers - where's Arthur Scargill when you need him?

North London experienced its second successive weekend from Hull after Spurs succumbed to another Geovanni wonder-strike. At the Emirates, the travelling Tigers support amused themselves by singing: "Are you Tottenham in disguise?" On Sunday they presumably reversed the chant.

At the top of the Premier League, Chelsea and Liverpool continued to slug it out. The Blues turned in a mesmerising display against Aston Villa after returning from their midweek trip to Transylvania, where they offended the locals by bringing their own food-taster along (apparently they didn't like the look of the stakes).

Liverpool, meanwhile, edged a five-goal thriller at Eastlands, with the winner coming from Dirk Kuyt. According to the aforementioned Popbitch, the Dutchman was air-guitar champion four years running in his homeland, although after the striker's under-par performances last season, everyone expected Rafa Benitez to be the one wielding the axe.

Two headlines caught the eye this week. The first, in The Sun, was 'Up For The Cup'. Did it refer to a) Arsenal's demolition of Porto; b) Man Utd's triumph over Aalborg; or c) the startling news that women's breasts are getting bigger? You decide.

The second, on the back page of the News of the World, declared: 'Fergie bans Christmas'. Impressive, even by his own fearsome standards.

Closer inspection revealed he was in fact pulling the plug on the annual players' knees-up, which has not been the best PR exercise for the club in recent years - replacing it with an official dinner in which wives and girlfriends will be expected to attend to keep their men in check.

Incidentally, while the football ladies are happy to be known as WAGS, you wouldn't be best pleased if you were the Swimmers' Lovers And Girlfriends, would you?

Barnsley made history by fielding the League's youngest player when the magnificently-named Reuben Noble-Lazarus made his debut at Ipswich aged 15 years and 45 days. The boy wonder returned to lessons the following day after doing his homework on the team bus and was rewarded by being dropped from the school team and receiving a backhander.

Headmaster Paul Gittins said: "It is too much of a risk for him to carry on playing for us. An opposing player may want to have a go at him." He added: "I spotted Reuben wandering very slowly down the corridor, so I gave him a playful clip around the ear to speed him up a bit. Mind you, he had a good reason for not moving as quickly as normal because he didn't get home from Portman Road until 4am."

Nice tale but the story of the week unquestionably concerned Steve Coppell's 'affair' with cooking Goddess Nigella Lawson. The thinking man's crumpet revealed in a magazine interview that hubby Charles Saatchi had a dream in which she had a fling with the Reading boss.

Coppell endured a week of ribbing from his players but was not best pleased with the magazine's description of him as a 'balding gnome' - although a third win on the spin for the Royals was undoubtedly good for his elf.